My Struggle: Anxiety

One day my heart will stop, one day I will no longer be alive. Should I dwell on what will happen in the future? Or should I focus on what is before me right now?

Panic attacks and anxiety that never goes away.  Generally, anxiety may last an hour or so, not mine.  I live in a constant state of anxiety with occasional panic attacks.  I have struggled with this for 15 years.  I probably first stated having panic attacks about 6 months outside of me finishing my term of service in the Army.  I went to the emergency room thinking I was having a heart attack.  Instead after a hefty dose of Valium I was told I had a severe panic attack and should consult my physician. 

15 Years Later

Now 15 years later not much has changed I still live in a continually anxious state with the occasional panic attack.  I do not like to ride in cars or be in places that I cannot control.  The doctor put me on benzos and anti-depressants.  I think they work; benzos are nice saving me trips to the ER.

I know all the drills; I practice many of them.  Daily meditation sometimes up to 30 minutes, I stay active, I try to eat healthy but until recently I could not put my finger on it.  I have concluded that I am afraid of death; more so I have (FOMO) fear of missing out.  But, missing out on what?  I have accomplished much in my life and honestly in 40 years I have done more than most.  Maybe it is just the selfish nature inside of me that thinks I want it all?  I heard a great quote during one of my many stints in rehab.  “Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.”

One day my heart will stop, one day I will no longer be alive.  Should I dwell on what will happen in the future? Or should I focus on what is before me right now?  The obvious answer is to be mindful and appreciate the right now.  Just for today I can accept my position in the Universe.  I may never get famous, make a lot of money, or marry a super model but I know I can eventually live anxiety free.  Not there yet but working on it. 

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