My Struggle: Anxiety

One day my heart will stop, one day I will no longer be alive. Should I dwell on what will happen in the future? Or should I focus on what is before me right now?

Panic attacks and anxiety that never goes away.  Generally, anxiety may last an hour or so, not mine.  I live in a constant state of anxiety with occasional panic attacks.  I have struggled with this for 15 years.  I probably first stated having panic attacks about 6 months outside of me finishing my term of service in the Army.  I went to the emergency room thinking I was having a heart attack.  Instead after a hefty dose of Valium I was told I had a severe panic attack and should consult my physician. 

15 Years Later

Now 15 years later not much has changed I still live in a continually anxious state with the occasional panic attack.  I do not like to ride in cars or be in places that I cannot control.  The doctor put me on benzos and anti-depressants.  I think they work; benzos are nice saving me trips to the ER.

I know all the drills; I practice many of them.  Daily meditation sometimes up to 30 minutes, I stay active, I try to eat healthy but until recently I could not put my finger on it.  I have concluded that I am afraid of death; more so I have (FOMO) fear of missing out.  But, missing out on what?  I have accomplished much in my life and honestly in 40 years I have done more than most.  Maybe it is just the selfish nature inside of me that thinks I want it all?  I heard a great quote during one of my many stints in rehab.  “Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.”

One day my heart will stop, one day I will no longer be alive.  Should I dwell on what will happen in the future? Or should I focus on what is before me right now?  The obvious answer is to be mindful and appreciate the right now.  Just for today I can accept my position in the Universe.  I may never get famous, make a lot of money, or marry a super model but I know I can eventually live anxiety free.  Not there yet but working on it. 

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Death of Christianity

It is time we confess as Christians that our foundations of American Christianity have been rooted in racism, manipulation and greed.

It is time we confess as Christians that our foundations of American Christianity has been rooted in racism, manipulation and greed. However the roots of evil have stemmed for much longer; 2000 years longer. Christianity as known by the Apostles died shortly after them with the establishment of the hierarchy of church offices. All are one body, the bishop is equal to the layman both changing roles as needed.

Permanent hierarchy leads to unchanged doctrines and dogma which do not advance with society. The power of the Church leads to greed and manipulation of the State. All this is evil. We must admit and ask for forgiveness for being apart of the actions we committed; even if done in ignorance. We must deconstruct and build based on love and the priesthood of all saints. We must repent for the countless lives lost, and untold wealth stolen away.

What is Done in the Dark Will be Seen in the Light

What is done in the dark will be seen in the light. The Church has openly conducted evil actions for all to see. However, if no one can see the actions, they remain in the dark. Now, now, is the time in which the scales are falling from the eyes. We stand naked in the garden without knowledge of our fate. We fear because we do not live by faith. Love is not found only the actions of the flesh.

We have worn the clothes of the profane for far too long, creating an institution of bondage rather than bringers of light. We celebrate the ressurection without understanding its purpose. We, as the Master spoke, have failed to see the logs in our eyes. It is time to repent for the actions done in the name of Christ.

Will You Repent With Me?

Will you repent with me? Will you say, I was wrong and love is right? Or, will you continue to deny your actions all the way to the throne of God? When that time comes you will realize heaven is meant to be on earth. Heaven is within the heart of the individual. When light comes no darkness is found. Here me now. Christianity is dead as we know it. We must correct what has been perverted and rebuild under the freedom of forgiveness.

The Kingdom the Power and the Glory Amen.

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Death of Christianity

There is a cloud over the eyes of Christians. This cloud blinds the eyes of humanities search for God.

The death of Christianity is upon us and only Christians are to blame.  For years the Evangelical Christian church has taught fire and brimstone, sinners and saints, numerous rules, dogma and doctrine.  Children who grow up in this environment are sick of it.  Those who are not leaving are changing denominations, while those who stay become like their agents of hate parents.  There is a cloud over the eyes of Christians. This cloud blinds the eyes of humanities search for God.

Karl Von Eckartshausen, wrote the book; The Cloud Upon The sanctuary (1909).  The text was very influential to societies who wished to make contact with the divine not through traditional means but that of the occult.  Only those within the occult would be able to appreciate the mystery which the average Evangelical would not comprehend and probably label demonic.  People want to be as free from suffering as possible.  The church encourages suffering through its endless culture wars against people different from themselves.  The endless dogma and doctrine of biblical literalists leaves the church goer in constant fear of God and hell.  Jesus talked of a light burden; Evangelicals place heavy burdens on their adherents as the Pharisees in the days of Jesus.

Blinded by a Great Cloud.

We just do not understand this life.  Some would say the purpose of life is to know God.  This process it is not an automatic ask Jesus into your heart and done.  It does not work that way.  We must question, seek and be brave.  There is a very real cloud that separates us from the divine.  The transfiguration of Christ is a great example of our modern church.  Peter, James and John represent the church as they stood in confusion. They spoke of what they do not know.  A voice through a descending cloud spoke of Jesus “listen to Him.”  Are we listening? No.

Live free of material gain and the fear of lack of.  This causes some of the greatest suffering.  However I find it unique that the Evangelical church is so wrapped up in money.  I have never been to a service that the plate is not passed or money spoken of.  Although Jesus himself talked more about money than heaven or hell his speech was not to gain, but to warn.  Jesus understood the overwhelming sufferings money has caused the world.  I believe Jesus was hoping we would listen to his words.

Do Not Fear Death.

Fear of death also has caused great suffering within the Evangelical church.  No one wants to hear that they are going to hell when we do not even know if hell exists.  Most scholars believe when Jesus spoke of hell he was speaking in hyperbole.  Yes, it gets the point across and that can be ok at times.  Don’t steal or kill or you will go to prison.  I get it.  Yet we are talking about long term mental devastation upon young people that have had enough.  To hell with your hell, maybe the only hell that many Evangelicals lived through was within their church.  Can you blame them for leaving? 

If the Evangelical church has any hope it must restructure from the ground up.  Rid itself of dogmas and doctrine from a time past.  Rid it of its literalists views.  The racist, anti LGBT, anti-immigrant, pro borders and gun beliefs which are rife within Evangelical walls must be dismantled. Love is the only law.  This is the only doctrine that matters.  There is hope for the Evangelical church as the word itself means good news. To save Evangelicals from radicals Sometimes it must die before it thrives.                

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