My Struggle: Anxiety

One day my heart will stop, one day I will no longer be alive. Should I dwell on what will happen in the future? Or should I focus on what is before me right now?

Panic attacks and anxiety that never goes away.  Generally, anxiety may last an hour or so, not mine.  I live in a constant state of anxiety with occasional panic attacks.  I have struggled with this for 15 years.  I probably first stated having panic attacks about 6 months outside of me finishing my term of service in the Army.  I went to the emergency room thinking I was having a heart attack.  Instead after a hefty dose of Valium I was told I had a severe panic attack and should consult my physician. 

15 Years Later

Now 15 years later not much has changed I still live in a continually anxious state with the occasional panic attack.  I do not like to ride in cars or be in places that I cannot control.  The doctor put me on benzos and anti-depressants.  I think they work; benzos are nice saving me trips to the ER.

I know all the drills; I practice many of them.  Daily meditation sometimes up to 30 minutes, I stay active, I try to eat healthy but until recently I could not put my finger on it.  I have concluded that I am afraid of death; more so I have (FOMO) fear of missing out.  But, missing out on what?  I have accomplished much in my life and honestly in 40 years I have done more than most.  Maybe it is just the selfish nature inside of me that thinks I want it all?  I heard a great quote during one of my many stints in rehab.  “Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.”

One day my heart will stop, one day I will no longer be alive.  Should I dwell on what will happen in the future? Or should I focus on what is before me right now?  The obvious answer is to be mindful and appreciate the right now.  Just for today I can accept my position in the Universe.  I may never get famous, make a lot of money, or marry a super model but I know I can eventually live anxiety free.  Not there yet but working on it. 

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FAITH MUST OUTWEIGH THE PRICE

Our faith must be bigger than the price tag.  I understand the economical impact that COVID-19 is having upon America.  Some large business execs want to hurry the pace to bring back society to the way it was just a short while ago.  This of course Is foolish talk as even when the spread ceases people will not forget the pandemic. The handshake may become a thing of the past.  That might not be a bad idea with the world population far exceeding the earth’s natural capacity.  Viruses will become more sophisticated over time.  There is however an answer to this if we allow our faith to be bigger than the price tag. 

Our technology is increasing at an ever-rapid rate.  When our quantum computers combined with artificial intelligence advances to a level in which we can create not only vaccines but cures in days rather than years the worry of dying young will vanish, but world population may still be a problem.  One might feel that cities in the seas, creating cities in places with less population density is an answer. America and the rest of the world must become very serious about colonizing space.  The moon and Mars will be humanities next homes.  Rather than having countries we will have self-governing planets with an alliance for the advancement of humanity into the further most reaches of space. 

Nothing Is Possible When We Lack Faith

None of the above is possible when we lack faith. Humans gravitate to the negative.  What is this negative I speak of?  The love of money, in creates a plethora of evils in our society.  We do not have the faith to resist the temptations and succumb to our love of money protecting what is known as a “good” economy regardless of the human destruction in which it causes.  There are real people today including President Trump who believe we must get back to work now.  Why?  To get the economy moving again.  Some have said that we should even go so far as to sacrifice our lives for the love of money.  The sad truth many of these people are within so called “faith” communities. 

Humanity Needs a Reset

Humanity needs a reset and COVID-19 might just be that reset which humanity needs, right now.  To admit our love of money and to then become free from the fear of lack which is holding us back.  When we worry about things, those things tend to happen in our lives, and this is magnified when billions of people are putting negativity into the world.  We get off on the negativity, we embrace it even when it hurts us.  We feel comfortable in which we give up control. Like having an abusive partner we keep going back from a false sense of control over our lives.

It is time to do some deep soul searching.  To look into the dim mirror of our souls, brave enough to be honest with ourselves and the dark human nature.  Start taking steps by writing down our fears.  “I can’t afford the rent, groceries, healthcare, etc.”  Admit that this scares you, then start to tell yourself you can afford, you can do, you are not fearful!  Embrace the evil negative thought patterns placing themunder your control. We will get though these strange times, it is what we do afterwards which will determine our future for either good or evil.  We can go back to business as usual as slaves or we can create a world of universal Contributionism in which all people share in the richness of all the resources that are available to us.  Along with the material benefits we will receive the most important benefit, peace of mind. 

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The Happy Wanderer; No Money, No Worries

Balance may be the answer Jesus was trying to teach while emphasizing the destruction in which money causes.

For far too many of us our fears are centered around money.  We are manipulated to make money our youth.  Always being asked what we are going to be when we grow up; why?  I do not like it; it is not fun trying to gain enough money only to freak out when you do not have enough.  Sometimes it may be better to live as a happy wanderer; penniless, no job, no permanent shelter or car.  No bills, free food, no stress from work.  Wander around just, being.  If they only taught us this as children. 

It is commonly known that Jesus talked more about money than he did heaven or hell.  It is no wonder why he did so.  Even Jesus was not immune from the damage money will bring upon the human psyche.  However, how shall we resolve this fucking lunacy in which we live when the Son of God could not even break free from it?  Maybe Jesus tried.  He was a happy wanderer.  Well happy most of the time.  Nonetheless he was a wanderer, couch hopper or as Metallica said, “My home is wherever I may roam.”

Maybe We Need To Accept

I am not one to undermine Jesus and think I know better than him.  Maybe, we need to accept.  I have always come back to a statement, “Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.”  Just accept and be, yet also be aware and fight for what is right.  He was never without what he needed.  Like the prophet Elijah, even when disgraced and ready to die the birds fed him.

Balance may be the answer Jesus was trying to teach while emphasizing the destruction in which money causes humanity.  Jesus knew he had to live with money but seemed happier without it.  Jesus did not seek out money; money was always there when he needed it.  Those who suffer from the anxiety in which money causes may be lacking in faith.  This is much easier said than done as I myself am a victim of money.  I want a lot of money, yet trying to get there is an unending mountain which becomes more treacherous every step.  I do not want to live that way anymore; do you?  I won’t throw myself down, but I will not stop moving forward.  Maybe it is time that we do not worry, becoming more like the lilies of the field or the birds of the air.  All is found under the umbrella of God in which we live.        

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Death of Christianity

There is a cloud over the eyes of Christians. This cloud blinds the eyes of humanities search for God.

The death of Christianity is upon us and only Christians are to blame.  For years the Evangelical Christian church has taught fire and brimstone, sinners and saints, numerous rules, dogma and doctrine.  Children who grow up in this environment are sick of it.  Those who are not leaving are changing denominations, while those who stay become like their agents of hate parents.  There is a cloud over the eyes of Christians. This cloud blinds the eyes of humanities search for God.

Karl Von Eckartshausen, wrote the book; The Cloud Upon The sanctuary (1909).  The text was very influential to societies who wished to make contact with the divine not through traditional means but that of the occult.  Only those within the occult would be able to appreciate the mystery which the average Evangelical would not comprehend and probably label demonic.  People want to be as free from suffering as possible.  The church encourages suffering through its endless culture wars against people different from themselves.  The endless dogma and doctrine of biblical literalists leaves the church goer in constant fear of God and hell.  Jesus talked of a light burden; Evangelicals place heavy burdens on their adherents as the Pharisees in the days of Jesus.

Blinded by a Great Cloud.

We just do not understand this life.  Some would say the purpose of life is to know God.  This process it is not an automatic ask Jesus into your heart and done.  It does not work that way.  We must question, seek and be brave.  There is a very real cloud that separates us from the divine.  The transfiguration of Christ is a great example of our modern church.  Peter, James and John represent the church as they stood in confusion. They spoke of what they do not know.  A voice through a descending cloud spoke of Jesus “listen to Him.”  Are we listening? No.

Live free of material gain and the fear of lack of.  This causes some of the greatest suffering.  However I find it unique that the Evangelical church is so wrapped up in money.  I have never been to a service that the plate is not passed or money spoken of.  Although Jesus himself talked more about money than heaven or hell his speech was not to gain, but to warn.  Jesus understood the overwhelming sufferings money has caused the world.  I believe Jesus was hoping we would listen to his words.

Do Not Fear Death.

Fear of death also has caused great suffering within the Evangelical church.  No one wants to hear that they are going to hell when we do not even know if hell exists.  Most scholars believe when Jesus spoke of hell he was speaking in hyperbole.  Yes, it gets the point across and that can be ok at times.  Don’t steal or kill or you will go to prison.  I get it.  Yet we are talking about long term mental devastation upon young people that have had enough.  To hell with your hell, maybe the only hell that many Evangelicals lived through was within their church.  Can you blame them for leaving? 

If the Evangelical church has any hope it must restructure from the ground up.  Rid itself of dogmas and doctrine from a time past.  Rid it of its literalists views.  The racist, anti LGBT, anti-immigrant, pro borders and gun beliefs which are rife within Evangelical walls must be dismantled. Love is the only law.  This is the only doctrine that matters.  There is hope for the Evangelical church as the word itself means good news. To save Evangelicals from radicals Sometimes it must die before it thrives.                

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